why I served a mission even though I didn't want to

October 21, 2015

I was 18 and a half when the age change for missionaries was announced. That meant that within a couple of minutes, I had friends announcing on Facebook that they were going to submit their papers as soon as possible. Honestly I just remember being in shock.

I was one of those lucky freshman who went to college knowing exactly what I wanted to do. I had a plan of what the next couple of years would look like for me, and serving a mission definitely wasn't a part of that short-term plan.

The possibility of serving a mission had been in the back of my mind. I was planning on graduating from BYU right before I turned 21. Depending on what was going on in my life in that time, I considered a mission a possibility. I definitely hadn't made up my mind, but I hadn't ruled it out either.

After the announcement, my initial reaction was excitement, especially for all my friends who had decided to serve. My next reaction was fear. I was not ready to jump on board with my friends who had already announced their plans to serve.

I stayed scared. I wasn't old enough to go for 6 more months, so I decided not to worry about it too much, but it was such a prevalent topic, that it was hard to ignore. My gut feeling was that I did not want to serve a mission. I don't think I ever admitted this out loud because it seemed so selfish. The Gospel had brought me so much happiness. Why wouldn't I want to share that with others? I felt so guilty, but that desire just wasn't there.

Over the next month or so, I felt little nudges and the topic of serving a mission always seemed to come up. I purposefully didn't pray to ask God if I should serve because I wasn't ready for an answer.

Finally it got to the point where I couldn't ignore it any longer. I had felt so many promptings and at that point, I was pretty sure God wanted me to serve a mission. I was terrified to pray, since I pretty much knew what the answer would be.

My dad scheduled a doctor's appointment for me, one of the first steps of the process of submitting mission papers. I guess at that point I had decided to start the process, hoping that as I did so, I would feel a desire to go.

The first week of December, I finally humbled myself enough to pray.

All my life I had been taught that the spirit speaks in a still, small voice. When I prayed to ask Heavenly Father if I should serve a mission, I couldn't even finish the question before I heard a booming "YES!" There were times in my life where I wasn't sure how to recognize answers to my prayers, but this time there was no denying it. I just started to cry because I knew without a doubt that Heavenly Father wanted me to go on a mission, but I was still so scared.

I met with my bishop and then a couple of weeks after I said that prayer, my world was rocked. On my parent's anniversary, my mom was diagnosed with cancer. Surely the Lord wouldn't want me to leave given this news, so I decided to pray again. Once again, before I could finish the question, I heard the same "YES!" The spirit literally yelled at me. I know that's not how people commonly describe the spirit, but I think God knew I was going to need a very clear answer in order to have the faith to actually go on a mission.

I continued the process of filling out the paperwork and meeting with my bishop. Honestly, I think in the back of my mind, I was still hoping that this would be a situation like Abraham's. I thought maybe the Lord was testing my willingness and then He would say, "never mind. You don't actually need to serve a mission, but thanks for trusting me."

That wasn't the case.

The process was long and there were a lot of hiccups, but finally I received a call on May 8th to the Pennsylvania Philadelphia Mission. When I opened my call, I was hoping for an overwhelming feeling to come over me that would lead to a strong desire to go.

That wasn't the case.

I was emotional and excited, but I was still scared out of my mind.

Ultimately I had decided to go because I knew without a doubt that God wanted me to. I was hoping that the strong desire that I had seen in so many of my friends would come, but it didn't. I knew serving a mission would be one of the hardest experiences of my life. I knew that I had better come up with a good reason for why I was going, if I wasn't going because I wanted to.

I remember reading my patriarchal blessing one night. It mentions my "many, many children." That night I decided that if I wasn't going to serve for me, I was going to serve for them and because God wanted me to.

"When you have a good enough why, you can bear any how."

My future children became the why. Whenever I was scared, I just thought about how much I want to be a wife and mother.

Up until the day I went to the MTC, I still did not want to serve a mission. If it had been completely up to me, I wouldn't have. But it wasn't up to me. It was up to God and the plan He had for me. I wanted to follow that plan and so, even though I was scared out of my mind, I left my family at the curb of the MTC for what would be one of the hardest, greatest experiences of my life.

The lessons that I learned while serving absolutely taught me how to be a better mother. They also taught me to be a better member of the Church, and ultimately, a better disciple of Christ.

I know that serving a mission is not for everyone. I know that God has a customized curriculum for each of us, meant to shape us into what He wants us to be. I also know that God wanted me to serve. Whatever it is that God asks of us, knowing the why helps us get through the how.

if you have a good enough why

October 20, 2015

Scenario A: Someone asks me to do 1000 pushups for $10. There's not a snowball's chance in h*ll that I'm going to do 1000 pushups for $10.

Scenario B: Someone asks me to do 1000 pushups for $10 million. I start figuring out how to do 1000 pushups.

So what changed? The task remained the same, 1000 pushups, but the reward increased. My desire to fulfill the requirement came only when I saw the higher reward.

If you have a good enough why, you can bear any how.

My application for graduation got approved yesterday. The next 6 months are going to be pretty brutal. I have a lot of work to make up from missing so much school and I'm taking a lot of intense classes next semester. But knowing that I'll graduate makes whatever it takes worth it. All of the long days and late nights will fade away once I have that pretty little diploma in my hands. Right now I have a pretty good why, so I'm willing to do whatever how it takes to get there.

Our relationship with God involves a similar principle.

When we don't understand the reasons behind them, the commandments of God can seem like burdens and limitations.

But when we learn what God promises in return for keeping those commandments, we do our best to do what He has asked of us.

We are willing to keep God's commandments only when we learn how high the rewards are in relation to what God asks of us.

What God has promised us is worth a whole lot more than 10 million dollars. He has promised us that our families can be together forever. That we can be exalted and live in His presence. Those are the most incredible whys which means they're going to require some hard, but oh-so-worth-it hows.

Why are you worried?

October 14, 2015

Last month I got a pretty nasty concussion. I hit my head on the ground hard enough that there were mic-fractures in the back of my head and my physical therapist thinks I broke my neck in a couple places. The hardest part was not being able to do anything and worrying about all the things I wasn't able to do. For a couple weeks, I couldn't look at my phone, read, watch TV, be around a lot of people, be anywhere loud, or have stimulating conversations. Basically I just slept a whole lot. I spent a fair amount of time worrying about school and how on earth I was going to catch up. Even though I knew everything would work out, I was frustrated that it was taking so long to recover and I just wanted to be able to do things again.

While I was watching General Conference, there were so many messages that felt like they were just for me, but one in particular has continued to stand out. While listening to this talk, I could hear a voice in my head saying "Why are you worrying? Don't you think I know what's going on? I will take care of you."

As much comfort as that brought, that is not to say that the last couple of weeks have been devoid of stress. Finally returning to classes has been an adventure in patience with myself and the physical limitations I'm facing. It's been a crazy time trying to figure out if I am still on track to graduate in April. Though the rest of this semester won't be easy, the words keep coming to my mind, "why are you worried? I've got this handled."

Now normally I am one to ask "What's the best that could happen?" but when I went back to classes, I asked myself, "What is the worst that could happen?" The worst would be that my brain can't handle this and I drop out of college. I realized that if that really is the worst thing, then it's all going to be okay. I don't need a degree to do what I want. I'm learning things at college that I probably wouldn't learn any other way, but I don't need a degree. Not that actually dropping out is a prominent possibility at the moment, but it's comforting to know that the worst isn't all that bad.

No matter what comes next, I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and He has certain lessons He wants me to learn from all this. I know that He has a plan for all of us and He doesn't want us to worry. He's got it all under control.

I hope everyone has friends as good as these.

October 12, 2015

"Beyond your circle of earthly friends, I urge you to make a friend of your Heavenly Father. He stands ready to answer the prayer of your heart. Being the Father of your spirit and having created you in His own image, knowing the end from the beginning, His wisdom will not fail and His counsel is ever true. Make a friend of Him." -Thomas S. Monson